In my best Roy Scheider as Fosse in ALL THAT JAZZ: “Showcase!”
I’d like to take a couple of minutes to write before Monday’s showcase for which I’m very excited—I can’t wait! Anyway, I was working out just now, and I wondered if there could be a way that I could live infinitely lifting dumbbells. Like, instead of any heaven or hell. What if my deal with God is that when I die, I get to relive the experience of lifting 10lbs, while balancing on one leg (I might add), feeling like a total sex machine. Well, not exactly feeling like a machine, but more like, feeling like I have some control over the pleasure I give myself, by being healthy. It was a sweet moment. I’m proud of myself.
Speaking of Fosse, I just saw New World’s production of Chicago! Never seen it before, loved it. A lot of great work, very funny. Sort of depressing at the end there. The music was so good. Band sounded so good. Good audience, everyone yelling, participating. The young girl next to me seemed uncomfortable, so, I’m sorry about that. I was excited. Something happens to me, it’s as if I morph into a baby, clapping and barking, like a seal, at all the singing and stuff. You know, for a moment, I had the same experience in Chicago that I had while working out just now.
I remember my gaze suddenly drifting upwards to a spotlight. I was sort of absorbed by the color. And I thought, “Man, that music is good—how old is that? How did Fosse make that? Why did he make Chicago? Wait…He didn’t make Chicago…right? Or wait, did he? Oh shit, what’s going on?”
Just kidding. Jk. Actually, what I was really thinking was, “I wish I didn’t ever have to leave this theater. In fact, I wouldn’t mind being a floating particle of dust in this moment. Like the bits of air orbiting around all the beautiful colors. I wish I could live forever here, listening to actors and music. I wish these lights were my whole universe, the only one I ever had to exist in.” Then, I thought, “I must love theater.”
Which brings me to the challenge of showcase. Which I’m working on. How can I possibly do “transcendent” “important” theater while also advertising my “egotistical” “greedy” self? The answer came into my head earlier: I must embody the stereotype of who I am, with so much truth, you don’t judge, but understand. In that way, I become an archetype of human existence, something we can all understand, something humane. Something with heart. I could also just try being my most authentic self. lol. That’s the easier way of saying all that ^. I have to let go. Feel the feelings, that’s the only way through them. I’m going to be okay...but…how do I know that? It’s a $1,000,000 question. Tune in next week to see what happens to me.
Rolling Ferro
